Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 6, 2021 21:15:30 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]She couldn't take it any more. The anxiety, anger and guilt had been constant companions for the past week, and she knew she was slipping. Sleep only came after copious amounts of alcohol, and the dreams left her shaking as she prepared for her shifts. Those she spent on the lower decks avoiding people, which she knew in itself was a problem. Messages from friends - and her mother - were left unanswered, and it wouldn't be long before someone came knocking on her door. She couldn't take it anymore. So after getting ready for her next shift early, Jovireh made the decision to do something about it, and made her way to the Captain's office. Expecting to see Mabel in the antechamber, she paused briefly at the sight of the young man at the desk instead. "I'm Jovireh Velal," she introduced herself to him. "Does the Captain have a few moments to talk?" She should have made an appointment, but Jovireh worried that by giving herself time, she would have backed out. She couldn't let herself do that.
Tag Judith Eastman (Jenkins)
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84 
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 6, 2021 21:51:22 GMT
[NPC - PO2 Roland L. Jenkins - Antechamber to the Commanding Officer's Office]In this duty, as part-time receptionist, Jenkins learned to be outwardly warm but inwardly distant, as the charming guest coming in could be a geopolitical rival, whereas the asshole could just be nervous to see his boss. And so it was with PO Velal, whose file had crossed his desk before. She looked strong yet approachable, and rather beautiful, but even if he wasn't hopelessly unable to flirt, he wouldn't flirt on Starfleet's time. "I'll check with her in just a moment, Ms. Velal," he said politely, and pressed a comm button. =A= "Captain, Jovireh Velal would like to see you," =A= he reported. =A= "Send her in," =A= the Captain's voice came over, and just that was done.
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]For Judy, this was hardly an easy period. The powerlessness of dealing with the Caldonia Five haunted her, though the sense of failure was even worse. All of it drove her into her work, and into administrative reforms, like formalizing the classification system for civilian shipping. This was a welcome disruption. Jovireh was a lovely young woman, after all. Standing up from her desk, Judy straightened her Captain's vest as she walked over to say a proper hello. "How are you, my dear?" she asked Jovireh, and could tell that "fine" was not a true answer.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 6, 2021 22:17:19 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]As much as she had hoped the Captain would be busy in a meeting or something, that was not the case, and there was no backing out now. She entered the office and stood at attention as the older woman greeted her warmly, feeling another twinge of guilt for adding even more unpleasantness to everything going on. Her hands were clasped behind her back, her body even more rigid than usual, as though it took every ounce of willpower to not back out the door and leave. Emotion darkened her normally bright brown eyes, and she opened her mouth to answer... But for a moment no words came out. Jovireh hadn't actually figured out what to say... Only that she had to say something before she lost her mind. When she finally did speak, her voice wavered and cracked. "I'm sorry to add more to your plate... I know you've got a lot to deal with..." A deep, shaky breath, and she extended her hand to give Judy what she was holding. It was her new 2nd class pip, and indeed the one fastened to her collar was her previous 3rd class one. The thick, dark green and black scabs that coated the index and middle knuckles of her hand were evidence of there being something far deeper than her own lacking feelings of self worth. "I don't deserve this." Jov stated simply, unsure of what else to say.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 6, 2021 22:54:44 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]Judy's mind went back to conversations she'd had with Max only days ago, and others dating back almost six years. She also remembered other subordinates in similar positions, some who had come to her. This kind of self-doubt and self-loathing, awakened by the worst of events, was far too familiar. "Let's sit down, and you can tell me why you feel that way," she invited Jovireh to her office couch, knowing she had to let the woman be heard. Such emotional burdens were almost infinitely lighter when shared. She herself took one end of the sofa, crossing her legs at the knee.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 7, 2021 0:28:39 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]The Captain didn't take the pip from her hand. Instead of holding onto it - as was likely the intention - she set it down on the desk before turning to follow her to the couch. Jovireh knew the question would come, but had still been dreading giving the answer. She'd always had trouble admitting her mistakes to others, especially those she knew thought highly of her. But she couldn't keep feeling like a fraud every time she looked in the mirror. So she sat on the other end of the sofa, elbows bracing on her knees as she buried her face in her hands. The recently-formed scabs were clearly visible on both sets of knuckles, but there was no swelling or limited mobility that would indicate she had broken them on whatever she'd been hitting. With a deep, shuddering breath, she tried to pull herself together. Her hands dropped away from her face, and she looked down at the floor in front of her for a moment, biting the inside of her lip in thought before lifting her gaze to the woman sitting next to her. "At the Galaxyvision event... When we apprehended the man who calls himself Phoenix..." Captain Eastman hadn't been on the station at the time, but Jovireh knew she would have read the reports as well as been filled in personally by Commander Baker. That's what made this even harder. She knew what everyone else saw. "I made a mistake. I let my arrogance interfere with my judgment... And it almost cost countless people their lives." Almost cost Lea's life... That was the part that only two people in the galaxy knew about... And the other one wouldn't be believed. That was why it had to be her.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 7, 2021 1:02:49 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]Judy made a mental note to ask Jovireh about the hands... later. Right now, the impending mental collapse was more imminent, and that was important to focus on. She pivoted towards the young woman, leaning forward, gazing through her thick glasses. "You know, along the road to that day, there were perhaps hundreds of bad decisions, made by dozens of people. Phoenix evaded us once before, and no one should be able to get all the materials to build a bomb, and assemble it, without being caught. There is plenty of blame to go around," she explained, all but whispering. "The reason I promoted you isn't because I think you made the right call - I don't. I promoted you, because this decision is a rarity for you, and because I believe that you can, and will, learn from it."She continued to lean forward, waiting to see how this was received.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 7, 2021 4:48:13 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]The immediate reassurance, and distribution of blame, had been expected. After all... as far as Melinh and Baker could see, Jovireh had just hesitated to pull the trigger. Which was an understandable hesitation for anyone who'd never actually shot someone before. But the truth was she hadn't hesitated. "No... I gave him time. He hit the button before I shot him. I have no idea why the device didn't go off..." and she would never stop being grateful that it hadn't. "What wasn't in the reports, because nobody else knows..." She was rambling. Jov stopped and took another deep breath, her gaze diverting to the far wall across from them. "I taunted him. We had him cornered, he was holding the detonator... and I telepathically taunted him before I stunned him." Her voice dropped and cracked as she gave the final explanation. She paused then with another shuddering breath, her gaze dropping to her hands in her lap. Her thumb absently trailed across her damaged knuckles as she continued. "It was in that split second between the taunt and the stun that he hit the button. I gave him time... and if that device worked the way it was supposed to... All those people would be dead." Lea would be dead. "And that would have been my fault." The Petty Officer understood the chain of events that led up to that moment. How many safety procedures had failed. And if she hadn't said what she did to him, if it had just been a matter of not being fast enough... Then she would agree that there was no one person to blame, herself included. But in that moment, the way his eyes locked with hers as he pressed down... He did it to prove her wrong. It was only a matter of luck that she hadn't been.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 7, 2021 5:37:55 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]Judy looked surprised, but not overwhelmingly so. That detail hadn't been in the reports, and it was poor form on Jovireh's end. She still maintained her composure. "That is... stupid. Make no mistake about it, that is stupid, and if it happens again, then you're in big trouble," she admonished. She couldn't lie about that, and it seemed healthy to address that side anyway. "That being said, you could've kept that secret with you forever, considering no one is going to believe a word Phoenix says... ever, but you chose to come clean with it. That tells me that you know it was wrong, and frankly, I can tell you're angry enough about it for the both of us."She held out a supportive hand, not wanting to overreach by going for a pat or a hug.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 7, 2021 6:01:18 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]Jovireh only nodded at the chastisement, unable to lift her gaze to meet her Captain's. It was a calmer reaction than she had expected, and she knew the need for the reprimand. "I can't even figure out why I did it," she replied quietly, her eyes shifting as though scanning her memory to figure out why she had done something so unprofessional, and as Judy said - stupid. If there had been a reason for it, it escaped her in the aftermath. The gentler statements that followed brought a soft sigh as her shoulders relaxed. It was true, she could have taken that moment to her grave. Learned the lesson on her own, been grateful it worked out the way it did, and never said a word about it. But the possibilities of what could have been, what would have been, had the device worked properly, had been wearing on her too much. She hadn't even been able to congratulate Leanna on her win. Having instantly realized what she'd done, she didn't feel like she could look her friend in the eye and pretend like nothing had happened. "That's why I don't deserve the promotion," she explained, her voice strained by the lump in her throat. "It was sheer luck that my arrogance didn't result in a massacre." Jov looked over at the hand that was offered, and she hesitated a moment before reaching out and accepting it. Of course, she was well aware that the only reason the conversation was going this well was that no one had actually died that day. If the explosive had detonated... there would be a lot more on the line than a reprimand. And that was even if she had been able to deal with the guilt long enough to have that conversation.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 7, 2021 6:30:04 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]"If I'm demoting you, I should demote myself back to Lieutenant, and just about everyone else on the crew," Judy asserted, firmly gripping the other woman's hand. "You see, you didn't have a moment of extraordinary stupidity. You had a moment of pretty ordinary, pedestrian foolishness, in a situation with no safety net, and it's exactly in those kinds of situations, that sound judgement flees our heads the most easily, so really, I'd be holding you to account for being... a person," she elaborated, feeling that this sentiment just needed explaining. It was, after all, just like adrenaline to screw up the brain thoroughly. "On top of that, the real measure with a mistake isn't whether you make it - you're gonna make mistakes, including some horrible ones, no matter what. What matters, rather, is that you don't make the same mistake twice. The way you've been beating yourself up - metaphorically and literally, I can tell - you won't let there be a second time."Judy looked Jovireh in the eye, looking for a sign of understanding, especially of the direct message, but also of the underlying faith and concern.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 7, 2021 7:08:28 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]Jov finally met the older woman's gaze, listening intently to the explanation given. It made sense, from a logical and rational point of view. While she still didn't feel she deserved it, she realized that she was being granted the same type of grace she had been desperate for at her previous posting. The ability to be mortal, flesh and blood, with the imperfections and flaws that came with it. Even more surprisingly, she realized, somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind she had known that grace would be granted. It was how she had managed to convince herself to come forward with the truth, offering to step down, without the terror of losing her entire career. She wasn't sure how she felt about that realization, but she was grateful nonetheless. At the final statement, a short, dry laugh escaped her lips, and she looked down at the injuries on her hand. "You're right. I learned that lesson pretty quickly." A brief pause, and then she looked back up to meet the woman's gaze. "Occasionally, if you hit them long enough, punching bags fight back." she offered by way explanation for the obvious state of her knuckles. No, assaulting a gym bag without protective wraps long enough and hard enough to rip your knuckles open wasn't exactly a healthy coping mechanism. But in Jovireh's mind... it was better than punching a hole in a bulkhead, and most certainly better than picking fights in the Spotty Alibi. Though she might go to the Blue Beta to have a drink with Lea when her shift was over... Maybe. There was still a lot for the young woman to process.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 7, 2021 14:12:01 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]"Good thing I keep a dermal regenerator in my purse," Judy said wryly, and stood up to retrieve it. She saw Jovireh choosing to explain the injuries as a move away from the painful core of the issue, and was willing to indulge it. "While we're at it, could I interest you in some leftover pizza? Anything to drink?"Judy felt she would be remiss if she didn't make the offer of refreshments, and moreover, she had a gut feeling Jov hadn't been eating well.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 8, 2021 5:05:50 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]Jov hesitated slightly when the Captain stood to retrieve a dermal regenerator for her hands. She hadn't already healed them herself because, frankly, it kept her from doing it again. But she had a feeling that explanation would only make Judy worry more, so she said nothing as she stood and followed her across the room. At the mention of food, her stomach lurched slightly, still knotted with emotions. The young woman had been making sure her body got the nutrients it needed to function well, as she really didn't want to end up in Sickbay again on top of everything else. But pizza just sounded far too solid for the moment. "I could go for a jestral tea," she replied instead, hoping accepting the offer with a soothing and healthy beverage choice would satisfy Judy's maternal concern.
Tag Judith Eastman
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Judith Eastman
Civilian
Grandma
Posts: 2,593 Likes: 84
Rank: Civilian/other
Position: Civil Servant
Species: Human
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Post by Judith Eastman on Mar 8, 2021 5:41:00 GMT
[Capt. Judith Eastman(-Williams) - Commanding Officer's Office]"One jestral tea, and one decaf espresso," Judy ordered the replicator, and with the handbag slung over her forearm, and a drink in each hand, made her way back over. She placed the drinks on the conference table, and then brandished the dermal regenerator. "Now, let's take a look at your hands. I specialize in playground injuries, but I think we'll be fine here," she joked, as she worked her magic with the medical tool. As a mother, she found it to be a lifesaver, though as a grandmother she could get the same effect with a kiss and a bowl of chicken soup. "We are going to need to find you some healthier coping habits, because this isn't the last trauma you're going to have in your career."Judy had known pain, and had made mistakes, and while she wasn't publicizing her current wound - the Caldonia Five - she made no secret of her past struggles. She knew of what she spoke.
Tag Jovireh Velal
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Jovireh Velal
Security & Tactical
[TI18]
Posts: 2,609
Likes: 55
Rank: Senior Chief Petty Officer
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical
Species: Betazoid/Romulan
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Post by Jovireh Velal on Mar 8, 2021 6:00:41 GMT
[PO2 Jovireh Velal - Front Ear - CO's Office]Jovireh let Judy work on one hand, taking the steaming mug of tea in her other, letting the steam fill her lungs. At the comment of finding healthier coping habits, she chuckled softly. "You didn't know me thirteen years ago," she replied, taking a small sip of the warm tea. "I told you Command had every right to be concerned about my enlistment. Part of that was my lack of impulse control. Whenever I got angry, I lashed out at whatever was in front of me, be that bulkheads... console screens... Faces..." That last one hadn't happened since she decided to join Starfleet, but by that time her name had already appeared in quite a few 'public disturbance' reports over the previous year. "The first time I tore my knuckles open on a bag, my counselor called it progress." But that had been a long time ago, and Judy was right. None of the things she did to cope with her emotions could be considered 'healthy', they were all just 'not as bad as what she was doing before'. "Guess when I find something that helps, it's hard for me to see a reason to look for an alternative." Her voice was quieter then, and carried with it the weight of having multiple meanings.
Tag Judith Eastman
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